American Muslim

Depression and Fear

I just had a letter published in the Purdue Exponent in reference to the efforts of Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) to update their suicide prevention policies:

http://www.purdueexponent.org/?module=article&story_id=1696

My friends who have known me for awhile know of course some of the bad experiences I've had, which would explain a lot of the depression. But, I'm sure many reading this never knew that I was suicidal for awhile. It was really in the month or two after Kristine died in March '01. I just had never experienced anyone personally killing themselves and it struck me to the core. I remember putting a lot of my IFC buddies through a lot of grief cuz I would go to the bars with pix of Kristine and get unbelievably loaded and tear up. It was a bad time. That was about the lowest I have ever been. I came close to actually killing myself only once and had decided on a method (pill overdose), a place (room at the house), time (Friday evening), etc. But, I just couldn't do it when push came to shove. Thank you God!

Then, when Blair died in Nov. 2001, I felt myself going to pieces again. That was a weird time, Nov. '01 to May '02 - I felt like I didn't really belong at Purdue anymore and was just there taking classes. I did have one great English class in the spring of 2002 to finish my Eng. Lit minor ("American Regionalism" with Kip Robisch), but otherwise I was just so exhausted from having such an emotional attachment to Purdue that I had to get away. So, I went to India for the summer and then moved to Augusta, Ga. with my Dad and the rest is history.

Anyway, the point of this primer was to really get to the notion of what it was for me to depressed and just constantly fearful for a good four years until I took 'shahadah' and became a Muslim. In the last few years, I have gone through episodes of severe mood swings; suicidal tendencies brought on by having just one or two drinks [my brain has become permanently wired to associate suicide with alcohol - a description in the next post, perhaps?]; nightmares; seeing things that aren't really there. And, I know that it's extremely fashionable to say that religion and/or faith cures depression, but this time it has been a true!!

My life has changed in a multitude of ways after becoming a Muslim and putting my faith and daily praise in the name of Allah (subbana ho wa t'ala) and His messenger (sallallu alayhi wa sallam). But, one of the biggest has been that I am really no longer afraid of simply living or not afraid of my brain creating sounds or images or associations that aren't there. Because I have decided - and no one else for me - that I believe in the message of Allah (subbana ho wa t'ala) and I believe that he will protect me. It's an amazing feeling to know you are taken care of and is actually, hard to even put into words.
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I recently attended a talk by a scholar at the masjid who talked about FEAR and how we have become so shameless in modern times about our actions i.e. Our actions as Muslims are not representative of the fear we should have of failing Allah (subbana ho wa t'ala). And it is true - we try to hide Allah (SWT) from our hearts, which is impossible because Allah (SWT) can see all and is always with us [I don't know if this is 'shirk' but I am reminded of that story of Jesus (peace be upon him) and the footsteps in the sand.]

I bring this up because now that I no longer feel depressed and suicidal, the only fear I have is of failing Allah (SWT) because I forget to do prayers or I accidentially eat non-halal chicken or I look at a woman in an inappropriate way. I am constantly asking for forgiveness from Allah - which all Muslims should do anyway - but yet I am so shameless. I know what I am doing is wrong so many times and I continue to do them. And then I ask for forgiveness, even though I know what I was doing was wrong while I was doing it. I just hope that Allah (SWT) will pardon my indiscretions one day - wipe the board of my misdeeds - because he sees that I have struggled in his service, but that the good overcame the bad. In'shallah ....