Asalaam Alaikum (Peace be with you),
This could be the end of "American Muslim." As I progress further and further in my career as a criminologist/political scientist, I realize more and more how my words on a variety of subjects can not only have the potential to hurt me in the future, but how I am less interested now, more than ever, in making my life public. I am sure this will be a welcome surprise to at least one person who has urged me, even pleaded with me, to make my life more private and less public and I never really understood his concerns until right now.
For years I believed that I had to wear my Islam on my sleeve in order to prove to the world - and possibly myself - that I was indeed worthy of being Muslim. But that time has passed and I no longer feel that way. Combined with turning 30 and then 31 and my comfort in being just a Muslim and no longer a "new Muslim," I believe I have finally attained some closure on my Muslim identity.
I still want to write on non-academic subjects like American culture, religion, and Southern life, but I also want to engage in a dialogue on these subjects in a way I have not been able to till now. I believe there are many avenues for my thoughts on a variety of subjects and they are the traditional newspapers and magazines, as well as the more recent blogs, just not my own personal blog. Rather I would like to start freelancing more for other publications that cater to my many diverse interests in order to reach out to kindred spirits.
I am not even sure who reads my blog anymore, so I will monitor comments for about a month and then make a final decision at the end of January. By that point I'll be knee-deep in doctoral classes again and teaching my own so I'll be plenty busy. But I'm sure I can make some time to come back ... insha'Allah ...
After all I have experienced or what Allah SWT has challenged me with, I take comfort in a sense of closure that I am finally taking the steps needed to truly simplify my life and focus my energies inward on rebuilding my physical, emotional and spiritual health, while at the same time planning for my future - in this world and the next. I know the kind of person I want to be, the kind of Muslim I want to be, the kind of job I want and the kind of person I want to be married to. Alhamdulillah for this clarity.
I say be private, leave the internet. The best way to seek your wisdom is to come to you, not read what you have to say, unless it was a published article, that would be clean.
ReplyDeleteAsalaamulaikum Shyam,
ReplyDeleteI feel your sentiments. I actually think we both have been Muslim around the same amount of time. I do check in with you time to time just to see your blog but haven't really commented.
I have also taken a hiatus from people in general due to family, finishing school, student teaching, working a real job, etc. I have found some interesting things happen; by focusing on my own life I had a lot less time to "prove" my worthy of being Muslim... and I honestly couldn't have said that better than the way you said it.
I no longer see the faces I once did, I am no longer the social Muslim butterfly- and it has taught me a lot; I have to find faith through Allah swt not through trying to be the best and most active in the community because that was the hardest thing to do because my intentions may have started out on the right path but shaytan and nafs always got to my head and it was so difficult. I have had an interesting twist of faith; I wouldn't say a loss but definately a twist. From being able to think for myself and truly step outside the box; it isn't what you wear or say that makes one a Muslim but the connection one has with Allah swt. Alhamdulillah I am so blessed to be able to wear hijab and be Muslim confidently at work, school, etc. and I am thankful for that but I no longer feel like the "new Muslim" I actually feel very strange when sisters make me feel that way because I just feel-- Muslim. I don't feel like I need to prove my Muslimness by adopting other "Islamic Cultures" I am American and I am Muslim.
I also came to the conclusion that there is a very thin line between the two extremes.
I read a lot, I thought a lot, I prayed a lot, and I came to the conclusion that to find true inner iman it has to come from within then shine outward; it can't go the other way or it will get burned out. I think its interesting how in just a few years or a year can change a person so much. I have had to deal with nothing as immensely difficult as others but yet I struggled with my own faith more than I would have ever imagined; yet I am thankful to Allah swt that I maintain my faith and I am thankful that I was able to see Islam in a different light; I was so strict so soon that I lost or never gained the true spirituality of Islam and by the time I found that out it was very hard to gain it back but alhamdulillah everyday is a work in progress.
I say privatize your life but also don't lose ties with people especially Muslims that care about you; because it will be very lonely if you do, I know I haven't spoken to anyone in a long time and its lonely and it created a strange barrier because I no longer feel comfortable around just any Muslim because the excited "new Muslim" feel is just not something I want to go for anymore; I'd prefer them to see me as just a Muslim.
Peace :)
Ex-cheerleader/not so new anymore Muslim hijabi