Phantoms
Asalaam Alaikum (Peace be with you),
I am stalked by fear. After losing three friends to suicide, my mind has unraveled and I feel constantly afraid. I don’t live the life of a normal, young professional, but one predicated on loneliness and a desire to be surrounded by people; yet, I also crave isolation as a way of distancing my unique pain from the fake empathy – “I know what you’re going through” (Bullshit!) – of those around me.
I can’t watch horror films anymore and even movies with twisted plots and brutal violence leave me shaking the next day … and the next … and the next. What was thinking watching “American Psycho” last night just before sleeping? All night, I dreamt that someone was in the room near me – even though I knew that wasn’t possible – and at times, I felt like the door was slowly opening and someone might be standing there, which I also know isn’t possible.
I am stalked by the fear that those whom I loved – Kristine, Blair and Rob – are still mad at me that I didn’t do enough to save them before they took their lives. I am afraid that I will never even meet the expectations my parents have set for me. I am afraid that I can never live the good Muslim life because I can’t meet the expectations of those around me. And most of all, I am afraid because I know what jahannam (hell) is like for those who don’t do good and I feel like I am constantly f***ing up, constantly making mistakes and I fear with all my heart that Allah (SWT) won’t forgive me because of too many blown chances.
Every time I miss fajr (morning prayer) or another salat (prayer), I feel like I am letting Allah (SWT) down. I feel like I am suddenly one degree less Muslim than I was before.
People ask me at work all the time why I work so hard. Public safety is never surprised when I show up on the weekend and need to be let into the building. Security is never surprised to see me stay till 10 or 11 p.m. sometimes. When I first started working at my current job, I didn’t have a car and if I missed the last bus, I would sleep in my office. That went on till public safety found out and I was told point blank that it was a major liability. It’s not like I had so much work that I couldn’t do at home, but what kind of home life is it when you immerse yourself in work just so that you don’t have even a second to think about your past and how it haunts you?
Asalaam Alaikum (Peace be with you),
I am stalked by fear. After losing three friends to suicide, my mind has unraveled and I feel constantly afraid. I don’t live the life of a normal, young professional, but one predicated on loneliness and a desire to be surrounded by people; yet, I also crave isolation as a way of distancing my unique pain from the fake empathy – “I know what you’re going through” (Bullshit!) – of those around me.
I can’t watch horror films anymore and even movies with twisted plots and brutal violence leave me shaking the next day … and the next … and the next. What was thinking watching “American Psycho” last night just before sleeping? All night, I dreamt that someone was in the room near me – even though I knew that wasn’t possible – and at times, I felt like the door was slowly opening and someone might be standing there, which I also know isn’t possible.
I am stalked by the fear that those whom I loved – Kristine, Blair and Rob – are still mad at me that I didn’t do enough to save them before they took their lives. I am afraid that I will never even meet the expectations my parents have set for me. I am afraid that I can never live the good Muslim life because I can’t meet the expectations of those around me. And most of all, I am afraid because I know what jahannam (hell) is like for those who don’t do good and I feel like I am constantly f***ing up, constantly making mistakes and I fear with all my heart that Allah (SWT) won’t forgive me because of too many blown chances.
Every time I miss fajr (morning prayer) or another salat (prayer), I feel like I am letting Allah (SWT) down. I feel like I am suddenly one degree less Muslim than I was before.
People ask me at work all the time why I work so hard. Public safety is never surprised when I show up on the weekend and need to be let into the building. Security is never surprised to see me stay till 10 or 11 p.m. sometimes. When I first started working at my current job, I didn’t have a car and if I missed the last bus, I would sleep in my office. That went on till public safety found out and I was told point blank that it was a major liability. It’s not like I had so much work that I couldn’t do at home, but what kind of home life is it when you immerse yourself in work just so that you don’t have even a second to think about your past and how it haunts you?
I can immerse myself in work, but for how long? I am 30 years old and I wonder if I will ever be able to just enjoy life. I try to get involved in relationships and then just end up hurting these wonderful women because I can’t share enough of my life, my mind with them. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but then I think about why I am in the relationship and it boils down to fear of being alone and fear of abandonment. Neither of those are strong enough reasons to be in a relationship; in fact, they are downright selfish.
I can’t imagine losing any more of my peers, yet who can avoid death? I reached my suicide tipping point in March 2001, and yet it happened again in November 2001 and then May 2007. What happens if someone else I know kills him or herself? What is going to happen to me? Oh Allah, save me from myself! In the last verse of Sura Al-Baqarah, the second chapter of the Qu'ran, Allah SWT says that we are tested only as much as we can bear. I know that what I am going through our tests. But is it wrong for me to question the test? Why did I have to be tested in this way? Oh Allah, please help me!
Asalaamualaikum Brother,
ReplyDeletedo not despair! I feel the same way as you when it comes to feeling like there has been so many issues and misteps that I have taken that have made Allah swt stray away from even looking at me. We all have demons in our past and if it wasn't for our sins we wouldn't be asking Allah swt for that forgiveness.
There is nothing I can say to make you feel better about the loss and the pain you have felt and feel about losing loved ones and feeling like you could have done something or that they are made at you. But just remember that Allah swt in His infinite wisdom chose YOU to go through all of those trials and eventually you were led to Islam. YOU have done so much since then and have helped so many people and do not for one moment beat yourself up about thinking you could have done something to prevent them from doing what they did. Allah swt says about those people that on the day of judgement they will ask Allah swt to take them back to this life and that they will do right and be good and pray and be a Muslim but Allah swt knows what they know not and knows that even if they were to go back to their life they would continue in sin.
Now no one truly knows what despair your friends felt at that moment they took their lives... but only Allah swt knows. We do not know who will make it to heaven or hell, we only know the criteria that Allah swt can give us so we are guided towards making the right decisions and asking Allah for forgiveness. We do know that those who had even an ounce of iman or a mustard seed of faith will not stay in hell forever even if they spend some time there. waAllahu Alim
Don't despair, you're not alone and I do not think that you are wise to admit those issues you have to yourself, because some people will never even admit they have issues.
I too have had moments that make me feel so lost and confused and lonely. From the outside it seems like I am fine but on the inside I am screaming, crying for Allah's attention. I think about what decisions I made and I don't want to think about why Allah swt put me in a situation that seems so difficult but I cannot help it at times. I cannot help at times feel like so many things I once did is now being hindered and the fact that I never thought I would be where I am today and not living my life as a free Muslim woman able to learn and strive to be free in this country where I can be active in the community... I never thought I would be in the situation where someone would actually prevent me from doing that ... someone who I thought had the same beliefs as me. waAllahu Alim
I am keeping you in my sincerest of duas Shaam... you aren't alone trust me :)
Still love you fisabillah. Not sure if you will find out who this is but I still keep you in my duas.
Asalaamualaikum
whoops I made a few typos... I meant to say I DO think you are wise to admit those... sorry!
ReplyDeleteSometimes it is our own self (nafs) that inhibit us from striving to do the best we can. I feel the temptation of the life I once lived although I know always deep down that the quality of my life before was so bad and there was so little faith in my life and now I cannot even imagine life without Islam... however I can sympathize with people that leave Islam due to their interactions with Muslims. Some people that did not get the full grasp of Islam can enter and leave so quickly not because they dislike Islam but because the Muslims. I feel the community abandoned me and feel that I am okay to be on my own, but that is not the case. The Muslim community does a poor job at following up with converts/reverts or Muslims that were born into Islam and left and came back. That is not Islam. Islam is so amazing and incredible and we as Muslims are not doing our job correctly to reach out to others without judgement. I guess I kind of turned your blog into my rant haha sorry about that.
ReplyDeleteBefore I go on with my reply, I want to apologize if anything I say is insulting to anyone of the Muslim faith reading this. This is not my intention. As a student of Shyam, he will tell you I have an utmost respect and tolerance towards all religions.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I want to quote the above. I will change in brackets certain words. I am doing this because I too feel these same thoughts at times:
"I am afraid that I will never even meet the expectations my parents have set for me. I am afraid that I can never live the good [Christian] because I can’t meet the expectations of those around me. And most of all, I am afraid because I know what (hell) is like for those who don’t do good and I feel like I am constantly f***ing up, constantly making mistakes and I fear with all my heart that [I am not willing of God's grace] because of too many blown chances.
Every time I [dont pray, or allow my self interests to come before worship], I feel like I am letting God down. I feel like I am suddenly one degree less [Christian] than I was before."
Shyam, those of us who understand religion understand the "Father-Son" relationship we hold with our creator. Our inherit want to please our parents goes hand in hand with the want to please our God. Whatever your religion is, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist you have to agree that God, the creator and giver of life is such a great entity. What I honestly believe, is that I will never meet His expectations. In fact, I think it is audacious to even think I come close. God is so perfect, so infallable, so precious, yet I am so wordly, so dirty, so corrupt that even when I try to do good and not sin, I will fail. I know I will never be worthy of entering the Kingdom of God. But what I believe (and I am not pushing my beliefs on you readers) is that what makes God so great is that through his wrath and justice and punishment, I believe He loves all His people. He knows we can never meet his expectations. If we could, then we ourselved would be gods, but we are not. God's true love will save me in the end, as long as I repent and attempt to live in the ways he taught us.
Again, sorry if that offended anyone, it was not my intention. I hope you forgive me if it did.
The saddest thing is that person that henders our own success is in fact ourselves
ReplyDeleteAnonymous: (from previous comment) Do you always think this is the case? Could governments not hinder our success as well? We are blessed to live in a country such as the United States, where we can all climb the ladder of success if we put our minds to it, but their are countries around the world where this is not the case.
ReplyDelete"Why did I have to be tested in this way?"
ReplyDeleteBecause you were strong enough to handle it.
Allah does not burden a soul with more than it can bear.
So stop questioning why, and start looking for the lessons you can learn from this. We are all under appreciated and under loved by our peers - that's why we believe in Allah.
If you're looking for strength and solutions and love and appreciation from this world and its creatures, you will always be disappointed.
Fear Hell - shake violently at the possibility that you would be forever parted from The One, The Light, The Truth. But don't despair. HOPE that you will be forever united with Him in the akhirah and feel His presence in the dunya. May it be with all of us, ameen.
Why this much fear? If God is infinite wisdom and infinite mercy, would he not overlook minor transgressions?
ReplyDelete