American Muslim

The Drugs Don't Work (They Just Make You Worse)

Asalaam Alaikum (Peace be with you),

"I feel like I've lost the ability to do everything and thinking is at the top of my list. Oh God, what do I do? Please help me what have I done wrong? I just want to get better. I just want to get better. Please. I pray and ask God to help me. And I start to think again. What have I learned all this time in treatment? Coping skills! I start to pace the empty room back and forth. I look to the right and there is a row of chairs. I look to the left and there is a row of chairs. I look in front of me and there is a row of chairs. I look behind me and there is a row of chairs. Everywhere I turn there is a straight row of chairs lined against the walls. The stability and consistency of the room I was in, reminded me of how chaotic my life was."

- Ebaa Wahdan, "The Unknown True Meaning"

The paragraph above is an excerpt from a powerfuly and jarring short story written by my friend Ebaa. She and I have many similar experiences and though I have not gone through the particular experience she was talking about on this occasion, I do know what it is like to be so depressed, so lonely, that you plead with God to make things alright and take you to a happy place.

I highlighted the last line in particular because it was astonishingly emblematic of my life at Purdue, particularly the last couple of years, when I let my grades go to hell and embarked on a free-falling, caterwalling descent into drinking and depression. It took a few post-undergrad years for me to realize just how bad of a person I became from 2000 - 2002. My life from 2003 to 2007 involved me studying in grad school at Georgia State in Atlanta and although I socialized and drank, I also had the time to look back and realize just how "chaotic my life was."

While growing through a Purdue photo album recently, I came across two pictures taken around Fat Tuesday in 2002. One is at Harry's Chocolate Shop (a West Lafayette staple) and the other bar unknown. I look incredibly drunk in both photos and I'm wearing a Playboy "Mansion Maintenance Department" "Pool Boy" shirt. In one shot, my eyes are barely focused - ironic because I am standing next to Matt Light, Purdue Alumnus and current offensive tackle for the New England Patriots. It's the kind of photo you should treasure or want to keep, but I don't really want anyone to see this picture. The other photo was with my friend Brian. We are both wearing Mardi Gras beads and holding drinks and his eyes are unfocused this time.

These photos and Ebaa's story got me thinking - who were these people I surrounded myself with in college? I still remember their names but for sake of privacy I won't mention them. But, for a short period of time, I did consider them friends, even though I have lost touch with most of them. I compare my friends now versus then and it is shockingly apparent that the big difference was the glue that kept us together. Today, my closest friends are those of my faith or ethnic community, but also those who share common loves for charity, taking care of people or from college. But the glue from the ol' days was a shared camaraderie predicated on hedonism, narcissim, partying, football, Greek life, etc. Not necessarily the "breakfast of champions."

Were these friendships meant to last? Or were they only meant for college, the time? Were they temporary friends to provide a support, a bridge between high school and “real world”? But how was college not "the real world." What about the friends who died while I was there - Allan Chyba, Rob McDill, Kristine Noonan and Blair Smith. Their deaths were very real. Their family's grief and our own was very real, something tangible that we still grasp at. Were we not living in that time?

In the end, I am grateful for my education and proud to be an alumnus of Purdue University. But I have many regrets because I feel I am still haunted by decisions - academic, economic, personal and social - that I made during that time. I know that when I took the shahadah and became Muslim in 2006, Allah SWT, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful, forgave all my sins till that point. But, during this Holy Month of Ramadan, I ask Allah SWT to forgive me for all the mistakes I continue to make and shower His Mercy on me as I continue to live with the residue from bad decisions in the past. And may He do the same for all Muslims who ask that of Him and all my friends.

"Allahumma innaka afuwwun tuhibbul afwa fa-fu anni."

"O Allah! Thou art the Most forgiving, Thou lovest forgiveness, so forgive me."