American Muslim

Men Stopping Violence

Asalaam Alaikum (Peace be with you),

By the Mercy of Allah (SWT), I was able to complete my 15-week internship with Atlanta-based Men Stopping Violence, an internationally reknowned domestic violence prevention organization, earlier this week. I can honestly say that I wasn't sure when I started if I would be able to complete the whole thing and be able to make it to the meetings - sometimes once a week, other times twice - but I am so happy that I stuck with it and that Allah (SWT) gave me the taufiq to stick with it.

There were three components to my internship - a community project; weekly group meetings with men who have been court-ordered to attend these classes; and biweekly internship meetings. Though the internship meetings were interesting because of the readings - bell hooks, Kevin Powell, Jackson Katz, etc. - and a highly explicit documentary on the porn industry (I still can't get over what some men consider to be "titillating") and the project allowed me to put what I had learned into action, the real benefit of the class was what I learned in the weekly meetings.

Although I have never hit a woman, MSV uses something known as the "Violent and Controlling Behaviors Checklist" and all I can say is that there is not a man living in the world today who has not used these behaviors with women. As one of my facilitators said, "We all deserve to be in court for what we have done to the women in our lives." And I would agree.

If you've never sat in with a group of abusive men, all I can say is that you have to really change a lot of your perceptions on how you think you might react and work on how you should react. As men, we are trained from birth through patriarchy and socialization to react as soon as someone says something. That too, reacting with anger is encouraged and accepted. Be a man! Don't cower! Say it loud!

But, at MSV, they flip the script. We are not allowed to speak back when receiving feedback and have to literally just take notes and call the person talking to us, later in the week. The idea is to not react, but allow ourselves to think before speaking, since most of us got into trouble for not thinking before speaking or doing something violent.

For example, this was the recent 12 Week Self-Inventory of one of my classmates, Xavier*. Can you honestly say that you would be able to just sit there and listen to him read this without wanting to say something? Can you believe that he sat there afterwards and without reacting, allowed himself to receive sharp and often times, harsh criticism from others?

"My worst incident was when I was drinking and being belligerent telling Christy* to shut the f**k up and yelling at my kids - Devon*, Allan* and Ramon* - and scaring them. I wanted to control them so I did the only thing I knew how to do. I stood up, punched the wall screaming, 'I'm going to f**k you up Christy and I did. I grabbed Christy by the face and hair choking Christy. I stood over Christy telling her, 'Christy, you are nothing but a piece of s**t and you will never be nothing.' Devon, Allan and Ramon heard and saw everything. I abused Christy, I abused Devon, I abused Allan and I abused Ramon, physically and emotionally and I am messed up for that."

[*all names have been changed to protect privacy]

This class has really changed me. I know that I have a long ways to go in terms of self-help and changing my controlling behaviors - violence is just more than physical and can be emotional, psychological, financial, etc. - but I really feel like Allah (SWT) is guiding me on the siratal mustaqeem (straight path) and that this class will, insha'Allah, help me.

I will write soon about my community project.